Reality Is Setting In...

Taylor was away at camp last week.  I like the way that sounds as if he was a camper exploring the forest, eating smores, and hoping that his counselor let the cabin stay up a little later tonight.  Of course, the reality is that Taylor was the counselor and his cabin was in bed nightly by 11 pm just as the rules suggest they should be. The reality is that Taylor is grown; he is an adult.  He's not a small child anymore or even a middle sized one. He is grown and the countdown to his departure has begun. The harsher reality is that I am not ready...

I have all kinds of plans to keep myself busy when Taylor leaves for basic training in January.  I'm pursuing my doctorate.  I have a close set of friends, a really great church, a loving family. I will be okay or I will fall apart.  Right now, I am worried it will be the latter...

Taylor left for camp on Monday and I watched television.  I didn't delve into my studies, go eat with friends, or clean my house.  I sat on the couch and watched television. Day 2, more of the same with some cleaning thrown in.  Day 3, I did go eat with friends before coming home to watch more television. I don't watch a lot of telelvision so I was growing concerned.  I cannot become this person.

I plan to live to 90; I hope to live to 100 if I am still lucid.  This means I have well over half my life to live.  What do I do now? Anyone have any great ideas?

The Only Thing To Fear Is Fear Itself..

Our house was robbed in September. The thieves shattered the glass doors and took everything of value in the house while Taylor and I were at school. My engagement ring that I hoped to pass down - gone. My grandmother's pins and brooches that she wore in the 1930s - gone. The guns that Taylor had worked and saved - gone.  The electronics - gone.  They took it all, but the worse thing that was stolen that day is my sense of security.  Someone had invaded our home, our safe haven, our sanctuary... would I ever feel safe here again?

God is amazing!  He took this horrible event and used it to show me how loved and blessed Taylor and I are. My best friend, sister, and niece showed up to help me put the house back together.  My brother-in-law installed new doors even though he was exhausted from work.  People prayed for us.  Friends, family of friends, and co-workers donated money to help us replace the essential elements.  Electronics are a necessity if you have a teenager afterall. I began to feel safe again.

Last night, when Taylor arrived home, there was a note attached to our door.  It was on torn computer paper; it was unsigned.  It was addressed to me and said they hoped I would be home "the next time we visit"...  The word visit was in quotation marks.  I have no idea who left the note.  My hope is that it was left by a student who figured out which house was mine and thought it would be a funny thing to do.  Friends feel it may be a threat; the police seem to not think so. I am scared again.

Taylor described the feeling best at dinner.  He said when he came home the day of the robbery and saw the glass everywhere, he felt physically sick.  His stomach clenched, his neck was tight, and he developed a massive headache.  Yesterday, he felt the same way.  It's not the note itself; it's the loss of innocence that the reaction to it signifies. The robbers took away our ability to see the note as anything other than a threat.

I love this house.  I want it to go back to being my sanctuary for when the world is a bit much. I want to rewind time to before the robbery, so I feel safe again. FDR told Americans that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.  I believe in that statement; I  wish the fear wasn't as palpable as it is right now. I know that God will protect us and keep us safe.  Please keep us in your prayers.