Happily NOT Medicated...

I started crying during my family's gift exchange. When my family opens their presents on Christmas Eve, it is a bit of a free for all.  My sister and I hand out gifts to everyone and they open them immediately.  I sometimes envy those families on telelvision where each person opens a gift, everyone ohs and ahs over it, the person says thank you to the giver, and they move on to let someone else open their special present. Our way is more fun though.  Everyone still says thank you.  The drawback is that no one ever knows what anyone received, except for what they gave.  The only gifts I am aware of from this year are chairs my sister-in-law made for my sister and great-nephew.  She's really talented and I wish she had drawn my name which brings back to me crying.

My niece drew my name for the gift exchange this year.  She's my niece but she really fills the role of my little sister having came home from the hospital on my 16th birthday.  (I had my very own version of 16 Candles because of it ~ but that's a different story....) She was 9 when Taylor was born and she became Taylor's surrogate big sister then.  In other words, we are close. For Christmas, she gave me a orange-and-white polka dotted storage tote with stationary in it to write Taylor while he's in basic training and a picture frame shaped like a flag with a smiling man in fatigues holiding his young child. My eyes began to water.  I put it down and handed out some more gifts.  Nope...  I am not one of those people who can cry without my face registering it.  My nose become red, my skin blotches. I am an ugly cryer. When people started asking if I was okay, I went outside and really cried. My mom in typical mom fashion said...  You are going to need to get stronger.

This is the last Christmas before Taylor enters the military.  We don't know yet where he'll be next year.  I doubt he'll be home and I hope he is stationed somewhere I can visit. I thought of all that instantly when I looked at the picture frame and yes, I cried. I love Christmas.  It will never be the same. Different doesn't necessarily have to be bad though. I just need to process the changes.

My family wants to me to go to the doctor and request medication before Taylor leaves in early February. I don't want to do that.  I want to rely on prayer and the people around me and yes, Moma, my own inner strength. I know Taylor is doing what God has called him to do.  His enlistment into the Marines is a good thing. So, I am going to remain happily drug-free and non-medicated.  Pray for us.

Life is about Relationships....Not Achievements.

Today is the first day of the new school year for teachers. I have already learned something important. Last night, I spent a few hours helping the middle child of one of my best friends with her summer reading assignments.  It's one of those jobs that comes with long term friendships that you aren't sure why you are doing it, except that of course, you are doing it.

Lindsay had to read three American Literature classics to complete the assignment. She chose The Old Man and the Sea (I love this book; she hated it), Of Mice and Men (of course she loved it... it's Steinbeck), and The Joy Luck Club (I didn't say it was a classic but her teacher did, so hey..). She completed her assignments and I went over to help her tweak them, to refine them, to polish them up a little. Lindsay has often lived in the shadow of her more driven sister.  She is quieter, less inclined to demand attention. It's easy to assume she is not as intelligent as the older sister.  You would be wrong.

Lindsay had to write journal entries based on a character's point of view for each novel. When I read them, I was surprised to find that she had focused on relationships in a subtle way as she explored each book.  Ask me what Hemmingway's masterpiece is about and I will tell you it is about chasing a dream, fighting for it, and losing it. Steinbeck's tome is tragic but the connecting theme is that dream ranch that Lennie and George both idealize. Tan is showcasing how the moms want the success and lives they were never able to have. My focus is on the achievement.  Lindsay saw the people - the boy and Santiago, even Santiago and the fish... Lennie and George , of course.. but also the ranch hands as a whole... the mothers and daughters of every generation... The books are about relationships, about taking care of the people you are surrounded by.  I, in my misguided Type-A brain, had only seen the striving for achievement. I was wrong.

Today, I begin my school year with a changed focus.  It is not about achievement; Life is about relationships. Not how can I insure that I will have the best test scores, but how can I help my co-workers and my students. I'll be a better teacher for it, a better person, a better friend. Thanks Lindsay for the life lesson!

Reality Is Setting In...

Taylor was away at camp last week.  I like the way that sounds as if he was a camper exploring the forest, eating smores, and hoping that his counselor let the cabin stay up a little later tonight.  Of course, the reality is that Taylor was the counselor and his cabin was in bed nightly by 11 pm just as the rules suggest they should be. The reality is that Taylor is grown; he is an adult.  He's not a small child anymore or even a middle sized one. He is grown and the countdown to his departure has begun. The harsher reality is that I am not ready...

I have all kinds of plans to keep myself busy when Taylor leaves for basic training in January.  I'm pursuing my doctorate.  I have a close set of friends, a really great church, a loving family. I will be okay or I will fall apart.  Right now, I am worried it will be the latter...

Taylor left for camp on Monday and I watched television.  I didn't delve into my studies, go eat with friends, or clean my house.  I sat on the couch and watched television. Day 2, more of the same with some cleaning thrown in.  Day 3, I did go eat with friends before coming home to watch more television. I don't watch a lot of telelvision so I was growing concerned.  I cannot become this person.

I plan to live to 90; I hope to live to 100 if I am still lucid.  This means I have well over half my life to live.  What do I do now? Anyone have any great ideas?

What Would You Pledge And Actually Do?

My assignment for one of my classes this week is to create a pledge to future generations -things that I am willing to do now to help ensure that their future exists and is better than my present. It's an exercise meant to help students focus on the overarching trends of today and examine the impact of our actions on the future. We are supposed to create a pledge of five things addressed at the future as defined by Native Americans - "the seventh generation yet unborn". What do I pledge?

At first look, this is simple.  I want an end to war, hunger, hatred, poverty, and illiteracy. However, there's a catch. I must pledge five things to future generations and create a plan for how I can help make them a reality. It's a little trickier when I must personally do something.  I am not wishing for the unattainable anymore.  I am planning on making a difference. So, what do I pledge?

I truly do want an end to war. Since Taylor will be a Marine for years to come, this is an issue that is close to my heart.  Taylor is willing to give everything to protect our freedom. I want his service to be meaningful and not about oil fields or election results or petty disputes. Countries are destroyed, families left homeless, and entire civilizations doomed by the spectre of war.  Woodrow Wilson tried to insure that there would be no more wars at the end of World War I with his Fourteen Points.  He called for the creation of a League of Nations to settle things peacefully, but politics got in the way.  The Treaty of Versailles was created with such strict punishments on Germany that it created a situation where Hitler could come to power and led directly to WWII. Who our leaders are make a difference.  I pledge to vote in every election and to campaign for politicians who want peace while keeping America strong militarily.

Hunger must be a horrible feeling. I get a headache when I haven't eaten all day and start looking around for some chocolate.  I write that and am ashamed because I know that there are children today who will go to bed hungry.  They haven't eaten anything today.  I teach children like this. They come to school every day because they get two meals/day there free. It is summer now.  Where are they getting food? I pledge to donate to food banks in my area so that there is always a supply of food available for those who do not have the means to feed themselves. This is not the long term answer.  I am giving the man a fish without teaching him to fish.  There has to be more that I can do here to make a difference.

Hatred starts and ends at home. My part in this one is easy.  I pledge to be accepting to all. I am unworthy of the grace shown to me by my beloved Savior, so how can I hate anyone? I will work to create a climate where all around me understand that it is okay to be who you are without fear of judgement or reprisal. Theodore Roosevelt said we needed to reach a time where we are all Americans, not hyphenated Americans. He was right, but it's broader than that.  We need to reach a time when we are all people - not separated by race, creed, gender, nationality,or religion. We are all different and it is okay.

I believe that poverty and illiteracy go hand-in-hand. Education is the number one weapon that the world has against poverty. I pledge to continue to work hard at providing education and educational opportunities to my students. In some countries of the world, however, women are held back based solely on their gender.  They are impoverished because they do not have access to the same opportunities as men. I already combat this by supporting women around the world through Kiva.org. I sponsor $25 loans to women in devloping countries to fund their small businesses.  They pay me back over time and then, I re-loan the money to another woman.  It is such a small thing, but as a single female who understands that life is hard sometimes, it helps. I pledge to fund opportunities for women around the world to make the world a better place.

It's your turn now... What do you pledge?

You Have To Know The Right Words To Make It Better...

What are you afraid of? Snakes? Spiders? Speaking in public? I'm not afraid of any of those. I am afraid of failure. I am heart-racing, palm-sweating, shaking in my boots afraid of failure. I am afraid that I will not measure up, that I will be found to not be good enough, that someone will think I am dumb...Yesterday, I was in tears over it.

I made a bad grade in one of my doctorate classes.  I would normally offer excuses here. However, I have recently finished an article about how when successful people fail they make excuses and thus, do not learn from their mistakes.  So, no excuses.  I made a bad grade because I did not read all my materials. It was completely my fault.  I based my paper off the question asked and did not go to the supplemental material where the details required to answer the question were all spelled out. I have submitted four assignments like this which means I have three more bad grades coming. I cried.

I went to my sister's house to cry on her shoulder and she told me to get a tutor. I don't think doctorate students are supposed to need tutors, I said... She told me to take a break for a few days.  I don't have a few days; I have so much work to do... Maybe this is not my path... I continued to cry. My brother-in-law came in from work, looked at me in tears, and asked what was wrong.  I told him I made a bad grade, that I didn't think I could do this. He is a man of few words. He doesn't wax poetically and go on and on about things.  He simply said "Yeah. You can. You're the smartest person I know." With that, he left the room. That was all it took. I felt better because one person said the magical words.  He didn't hem and haw and try to think of a gazillion things to say.  He simply said that I could do this with such certainty that I believed him. He had the exact words I needed to hear.  Sometimes that is all we need.

It's Graduation Day! It's Graduation Day! Sing It With Me...

Today is the day.  Thirteen years of hard work (counting kindergarten because everything you ever needed to know was taught there) completed. In a few short hours, my baby boy will walk across the stage, shake hands with his principal, administration team, and assorted dignitaries and be a high school graduate.  I am extrememly proud of him. It's Graduation Day!

I stayed home the first two years of Taylor's life. He fought to live when the odds were against him, and I could not bring myself to leave this beautiful miracle that God had allowed me to keep.  When he was two, I went back to work and counted the hours until I could go pick him up from the preschool. I didn't have to count the entire eight hours because the school called and asked me to come get him.  He had sobbed uncontrollably since I had left.  Taylor told me between gulping sobs that he thought I had forgotten him. It broke my heart.  I could never forget this beautiful child.

The first day of kindergarten was a totally different story.  We drove up to the school, Taylor jumped out of the car and yelled BYE!  Ummmm... I think I'm going to walk you in, I said.  He allowed me to do so.  He begrudgingly let me be his overprotective mom. It was my turn for tears.  I hoped he wouldn't forget me as he explored the land of centers. I cried all the way to work.

His elementary school did not hold a kindergarten graduation.  They do, however, hold a fifth grade one to mark the transition to middle school. I remember sitting in the crowd with Taylor's father surrounded by the parents of Taylor's friends and tearing up when the strands of pomp and circumstance started.  Taylor walked down the aisle in his shirt and tie, looking so proud and so mature that I had to fight to hold back the tears. My baby boy was growing up..... and I was going to be one of those moms who cried at graduation.

In middle school, Taylor found his love for running.  He discovered teachers who he loved... and others that he hated.  He visited Washington, DC with his best friends.  He ruled the school. It seemed to last a minute.

High school has been amazing.  Taylor has grown into a fine young man. He remains friends with the same friends from elementary school and has added several new faces along the way.  His group is a wonderfully diverse mixture of guys and girls who will one day make this world a better place.... and Taylor, my Marine, will protect it.  Without a doubt, I have enjoyed every single moment of the journey. And tonight when the strands of pomp and circumstance float across Littlejohn Colliseum, I will cry... out of joy and pride... Those kind of tears are allowed. Afterall, it's graduation day!

Couple Dating Without Coupling??

Every married couple should spend quality alone time.  This is completely true.  You need to date each other.  You need to dress up and go to dinner without the kids, without the dog, without asking him if he remembered to pay the gas bill.... When you spend day in and day out being mom and dad as well as hard working employees, it is hard to remember to be the person your other half fell madly in love with in the first place.    You are sitting across from the person that can answer the questions about the doctor's appointment, the car payment, the insurance policy.  You would never discuss these things when you were first dating.  Date night is not the place to discuss them now.  Date night is about remembering who you fell in love with...

I'll let you in on a little secret though... Sometimes it is easy to remember who you were and who your spouse was when there are other people to interact with.  You see your hubby laugh or he reachs for your hand as he tells a funny story about a trip you took and BAM!  There's that spark again! This is what you want! This is what date night needs to be from time to time... definitely not all the time though.  Spend time alone too!

Finding a compatible couple to date is hard when you are married.  Either you can easily banter for hours with the wife but your hubby has absolutely nothing to say to your new found friend's husband or vice versa. We've all been there.  Couples date other couples trying to find the right combination and someone always ends up settling for a less than perfect fit, because it is really hard to find two totally compatible people who mesh well with you.  It's important to keep looking though.

Yesterday, two of my married friends asked if I would consider being half of their couple date couple.  Ummmm... I am not married, so I was a little unsure of where this was going. They have found the perfect solution though.  Brandi and I are great friends; her husband and I have a lot in common and I consider him a good friend as well. We all three mesh well, have a lot in common, and enjoy each other's company. Another single male in the church also gets along great with both of them and with me. We would make the perfect foursome as long as we are not required to date each other. I have been married; I do not want to go back down that road.  He has been married and is still very much in the healing stages while trying to raise three young children on his own. Hallmark would have us falling for each other...  I think we'll stick to dinner and game nights though.

Isn't it great when you can fix the problem simply by tweaking the boundaries?