You Have To Know The Right Words To Make It Better...

What are you afraid of? Snakes? Spiders? Speaking in public? I'm not afraid of any of those. I am afraid of failure. I am heart-racing, palm-sweating, shaking in my boots afraid of failure. I am afraid that I will not measure up, that I will be found to not be good enough, that someone will think I am dumb...Yesterday, I was in tears over it.

I made a bad grade in one of my doctorate classes.  I would normally offer excuses here. However, I have recently finished an article about how when successful people fail they make excuses and thus, do not learn from their mistakes.  So, no excuses.  I made a bad grade because I did not read all my materials. It was completely my fault.  I based my paper off the question asked and did not go to the supplemental material where the details required to answer the question were all spelled out. I have submitted four assignments like this which means I have three more bad grades coming. I cried.

I went to my sister's house to cry on her shoulder and she told me to get a tutor. I don't think doctorate students are supposed to need tutors, I said... She told me to take a break for a few days.  I don't have a few days; I have so much work to do... Maybe this is not my path... I continued to cry. My brother-in-law came in from work, looked at me in tears, and asked what was wrong.  I told him I made a bad grade, that I didn't think I could do this. He is a man of few words. He doesn't wax poetically and go on and on about things.  He simply said "Yeah. You can. You're the smartest person I know." With that, he left the room. That was all it took. I felt better because one person said the magical words.  He didn't hem and haw and try to think of a gazillion things to say.  He simply said that I could do this with such certainty that I believed him. He had the exact words I needed to hear.  Sometimes that is all we need.

The Only Thing To Fear Is Fear Itself..

Our house was robbed in September. The thieves shattered the glass doors and took everything of value in the house while Taylor and I were at school. My engagement ring that I hoped to pass down - gone. My grandmother's pins and brooches that she wore in the 1930s - gone. The guns that Taylor had worked and saved - gone.  The electronics - gone.  They took it all, but the worse thing that was stolen that day is my sense of security.  Someone had invaded our home, our safe haven, our sanctuary... would I ever feel safe here again?

God is amazing!  He took this horrible event and used it to show me how loved and blessed Taylor and I are. My best friend, sister, and niece showed up to help me put the house back together.  My brother-in-law installed new doors even though he was exhausted from work.  People prayed for us.  Friends, family of friends, and co-workers donated money to help us replace the essential elements.  Electronics are a necessity if you have a teenager afterall. I began to feel safe again.

Last night, when Taylor arrived home, there was a note attached to our door.  It was on torn computer paper; it was unsigned.  It was addressed to me and said they hoped I would be home "the next time we visit"...  The word visit was in quotation marks.  I have no idea who left the note.  My hope is that it was left by a student who figured out which house was mine and thought it would be a funny thing to do.  Friends feel it may be a threat; the police seem to not think so. I am scared again.

Taylor described the feeling best at dinner.  He said when he came home the day of the robbery and saw the glass everywhere, he felt physically sick.  His stomach clenched, his neck was tight, and he developed a massive headache.  Yesterday, he felt the same way.  It's not the note itself; it's the loss of innocence that the reaction to it signifies. The robbers took away our ability to see the note as anything other than a threat.

I love this house.  I want it to go back to being my sanctuary for when the world is a bit much. I want to rewind time to before the robbery, so I feel safe again. FDR told Americans that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.  I believe in that statement; I  wish the fear wasn't as palpable as it is right now. I know that God will protect us and keep us safe.  Please keep us in your prayers.